Narrow World Views Inc. is looking for veteran Facebook App developers as we expand our stable of social media viewscape adapters. Applicants should have 20 years of experience developing for Facebook or similar platforms, at least a master's degree in computer science, and a minimum of 5000 friends.
Our company is dedicated to providing its customers with a calm and relaxing social media experience, and to this end we have crafted an array of applications that allow users to automatically filter out anything that may conflict with their world view (thus causing cognitive dissonance and critical thought). Our unique application first builds a profile of the user by examining their browser history, which reveals what type of information the user already selectively seeks out or ignores. The profile is then used to select customizable filters that block any offending content from the user's newsfeed and timeline.
Example filters include: Republican, Democrat, Birther, Vegan, Baby Hater, Socialist, Ayn Rand, Hipster (nothing with more than 10 likes; too popular), Farmvile Request, Your Mother's Posts, Txt Spk, Grammar Nazi; Young People, Old People, Chain Posts, and the entirety of Facebook. Each filter is guaranteed to make sure that the associated content never makes it to your screen.
So join Narrow World Views Inc. today: We make a challenging world simple again*.
*The world never was simple, but we make it look like a 50's sitcom.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Future of Computing
We are on the verge of amazing breakthroughs in the field of mathematics and computation! And our company, GWC, is in need of solid state physicists, bio-medical engineers, and a talented instruction encoders.
What is an instruction encoder? Our new invention is so revolutionary that it necessitates an entirely new profession. What does it take to be an instruction encoder? An understanding of mathematics is a must, and moxie is a plus! What will you be asked to do? You will work directly with our new invention, making it perform amazing feats of computation!
We can not reveal to much about what we are call our Procedural Resolution Sequencing System. The fundamentals of the machine are well grounded in scientific literature, but required advancements for its implementation are just now being realized. Now out team faces the biggest challenge: reducing the size of the components. The fundamental component is a "door" of sorts, that controls the flow of bioinfotrons (yet another amazing invention from GWC, short for biological information automaton). As bioinfotrons make their way through tracks controlled by these doors, simple computations can be preformed. We are convinced that, once the sizes have been reduced enough, we will be able to combine hundreds, nay, thousands of these doors and have bioinfotrons cycle through them multiple times a minute!
At GWC, our focus is always on the horizon. Right now, the Procedural Resolution Sequencing System must be configured to perform a specific type of task, a major drawback. However, we believe that within the next twenty years, we will be able to build a General Purpose Procedural Resolution Sequencing System: one that can handle a variety of workloads with minimal reconfiguration. Our top scientist, Dr. Tlan Auring, has demonstrated that it is theoretically possible to create a Procedural Resolution Sequencing System that can emulate all other possible Procedural Resolution Sequencing Systems!
* GWC (Global Work Contraptions) has partnered with researchers from Department of Earth and Planetary Sciences, Kobe University; and the Unconventional Computing Centre, University of the West of England.
Media coverage of research: http://hackaday.com/2012/09/28/making-logic-gates-out-of-crabs/
Publication in Complex Systems: http://www.complex-systems.com/pdf/20-2-2.pdf
What is an instruction encoder? Our new invention is so revolutionary that it necessitates an entirely new profession. What does it take to be an instruction encoder? An understanding of mathematics is a must, and moxie is a plus! What will you be asked to do? You will work directly with our new invention, making it perform amazing feats of computation!
We can not reveal to much about what we are call our Procedural Resolution Sequencing System. The fundamentals of the machine are well grounded in scientific literature, but required advancements for its implementation are just now being realized. Now out team faces the biggest challenge: reducing the size of the components. The fundamental component is a "door" of sorts, that controls the flow of bioinfotrons (yet another amazing invention from GWC, short for biological information automaton). As bioinfotrons make their way through tracks controlled by these doors, simple computations can be preformed. We are convinced that, once the sizes have been reduced enough, we will be able to combine hundreds, nay, thousands of these doors and have bioinfotrons cycle through them multiple times a minute!
At GWC, our focus is always on the horizon. Right now, the Procedural Resolution Sequencing System must be configured to perform a specific type of task, a major drawback. However, we believe that within the next twenty years, we will be able to build a General Purpose Procedural Resolution Sequencing System: one that can handle a variety of workloads with minimal reconfiguration. Our top scientist, Dr. Tlan Auring, has demonstrated that it is theoretically possible to create a Procedural Resolution Sequencing System that can emulate all other possible Procedural Resolution Sequencing Systems!
* GWC (Global Work Contraptions) has partnered with researchers from Department of Earth and Planetary Sciences, Kobe University; and the Unconventional Computing Centre, University of the West of England.
Media coverage of research: http://hackaday.com/2012/09/28/making-logic-gates-out-of-crabs/
Publication in Complex Systems: http://www.complex-systems.com/pdf/20-2-2.pdf
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Exciting New Collaboration
The makers of Flashlight App have teamed up with cloud technology specialists for an invigorating new project: CloudVD++.
By cloudifying virus detection computer contrivances, out synergistic collaboration of top industry experts will herald a new age of computer data sanitation services. Users will be able to scan their hard disks without impacting CPU performance by uploading all of their files to our secure (backed by our Secure Data Transmit++ technology) servers. Our servers will then scan the files for any possible viruses, and repair any affected files before seamlessly sending the files back to the user.
Our established team of viruswriters analysts is looking to augment its ranks in preparation for this lucrative endeavor. Specifically, they are looking for programmers with experience in data mining that have no criminal record.
Help us protect the world's computers from viruses with CloudVD++ today!
By cloudifying virus detection computer contrivances, out synergistic collaboration of top industry experts will herald a new age of computer data sanitation services. Users will be able to scan their hard disks without impacting CPU performance by uploading all of their files to our secure (backed by our Secure Data Transmit++ technology) servers. Our servers will then scan the files for any possible viruses, and repair any affected files before seamlessly sending the files back to the user.
Our established team of virus
Help us protect the world's computers from viruses with CloudVD++ today!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Voice Controlled Internet Protocol
Our venture capital firm, Four Guys That Haven't Even Graduated Business School Yet, is ready to enter the prototyping phase of a revolutionary network protocol that leverages recent advances in speech recognition with existing, under-utilized infrastructure.
One of our members was an engineering student for almost a whole semester, and he is like 95.7% sure that this is a great idea. You see, the existing phone network was designed for analog communications, but the internet is all digital. This is why AOL was so slow. But the phone system is really good at carrying voice. Today, advanced programs like Siri can easily decode voice to talk to computers! Ka-Ching! No need to lay new cables for broadband internet; our technology lets users simply use the phone lines they already have with their iPhones.
We are looking for talented engineers to implement this great idea. Our venture capital firm is still in the process of raising funds, so initial compensation will be limited. However, applicants will have the opportunity to work directly with the company's CEOs, CFOs, VPs, and Treasurer.
Make it Rain!
One of our members was an engineering student for almost a whole semester, and he is like 95.7% sure that this is a great idea. You see, the existing phone network was designed for analog communications, but the internet is all digital. This is why AOL was so slow. But the phone system is really good at carrying voice. Today, advanced programs like Siri can easily decode voice to talk to computers! Ka-Ching! No need to lay new cables for broadband internet; our technology lets users simply use the phone lines they already have with their iPhones.
We are looking for talented engineers to implement this great idea. Our venture capital firm is still in the process of raising funds, so initial compensation will be limited. However, applicants will have the opportunity to work directly with the company's CEOs, CFOs, VPs, and Treasurer.
Make it Rain!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
What You Pay For
The following is an actual job posting from a university's job board. We have highlighted the more interesting bits (and redacted any identifying information). It was posted in the spring of 2012.
This is a screenshot of the website, as of September 2012. Apparently any applicant that was qualified enough to work for them for free, was also qualified enough to get a paying gig.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
2016 Election Web 27.0 Mash-Up Artists Wanted
Our start-up, Politics-Yo!, is working hard to get a jump on the 2016 presidential elections. Our industry-wide respected analysts have predicted that Web 27.0 will be the deciding factor in the election between Ayn Rand and Karl Marx.
We are now in the process of hiring the fresh, hip talent needed to put it all together. Our research shows that people are looking for even more ways to alienate their friends and family through social media based campaign propaganda. Political status updates, re-tweets from the candidates, re-blogs from The Puffington Host, impromptu hashtag polls, that is all too 2012. How about Google Glass Contacts Projection Marketing thrown together with eyePhone 7gs4sRedux Politico App? How about Telepathy Blogging your reactions to Special Interest Mind Bullets about the Space Debates? Get on our level!
Applicants will need to be down with all of the reverse-retro internet technologies, including those that won't be invented until at least 2015. Skillz with dropping the (political) base, twattering the platform, and wubbing the vote also desired.
We are now in the process of hiring the fresh, hip talent needed to put it all together. Our research shows that people are looking for even more ways to alienate their friends and family through social media based campaign propaganda. Political status updates, re-tweets from the candidates, re-blogs from The Puffington Host, impromptu hashtag polls, that is all too 2012. How about Google Glass Contacts Projection Marketing thrown together with eyePhone 7gs4sRedux Politico App? How about Telepathy Blogging your reactions to Special Interest Mind Bullets about the Space Debates? Get on our level!
Applicants will need to be down with all of the reverse-retro internet technologies, including those that won't be invented until at least 2015. Skillz with dropping the (political) base, twattering the platform, and wubbing the vote also desired.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Looking for Readers
Our think tank, Great Minds Think A-Awesome, has identified an untapped market in lackadaisical enabling reading resources. We are now moving into stage 23.b.5, having successfully raised the venture capital needed to implement a prototype of our service.
We are now in the process of looking for talented individuals to bring our world-crushingly amazing idea to fruition. Applicants should have experience in programming and design. And you better be good. The only conceivable way our venture will fail is if the developers suck.
Without a signed NDA, all that we can reveal about the project is that it involves crowd-sourcing the reading of books. Each year, millions of students are forced to read the same classic works of literature. Our service will let each student read a small part, and then compile the summaries into a much shorter book. The process can then be recursively iterated with our patent pending technology until the final summary is only a page long.
We have applied a pre-alpha prototype to this advertisement as an example:
The our of.
We are now in the process of looking for talented individuals to bring our world-crushingly amazing idea to fruition. Applicants should have experience in programming and design. And you better be good. The only conceivable way our venture will fail is if the developers suck.
Without a signed NDA, all that we can reveal about the project is that it involves crowd-sourcing the reading of books. Each year, millions of students are forced to read the same classic works of literature. Our service will let each student read a small part, and then compile the summaries into a much shorter book. The process can then be recursively iterated with our patent pending technology until the final summary is only a page long.
We have applied a pre-alpha prototype to this advertisement as an example:
The our of.
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