Our start-up, SkilledProgrammersInc., is in crisis: we have neglected to hire any MBAs!
We spent so much time finding the best programmers, software engineers, HCI experts, and various other highly skilled technical experts that we forgot all about hiring anyone to fill the core start-up positions. We have no one to invent useless products and services, no one to convince venture capitalists that those products and services are actually necessary, and worst of all, no one to generate buzz about them on social media sites!
What are we going to do?
If you are qualified, please contact us soon. In the mean time I guess we will all just have to suck it up and work at our well-paying day jobs.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Plausible Deniability
Bank of Amoralism Inc., a corporation with a history almost as long as capitalism itself, is preparing to branch out into the vibrant App market. The suite of apps we are currently developing will target a formerly unidentified market that has almost unlimited growth potential.
Everyone recognizes the need to occasionally "disconnect" from our ever increasingly connected world. Our researches have discovered that, likewise, as our world becomes increasingly burdened with accurate and verifiable information, people will need seek out was to "un-truth" from reality from time to time.
We are looking for a wide range of developers to build an extensive array of what we are calling "Obfusticators": programs and apps that allow for the user to escape from demands of accuracy and honesty. For example, we have a prototype spam filter that will retroactively filter important messages so that the user may not be held accountable for reading them. We also have virtual bots that can simulate an online presence, which our testers have found indispensable for "work at home" type situations.
Please send résumés via certified letter to the provided address.
Everyone recognizes the need to occasionally "disconnect" from our ever increasingly connected world. Our researches have discovered that, likewise, as our world becomes increasingly burdened with accurate and verifiable information, people will need seek out was to "un-truth" from reality from time to time.
We are looking for a wide range of developers to build an extensive array of what we are calling "Obfusticators": programs and apps that allow for the user to escape from demands of accuracy and honesty. For example, we have a prototype spam filter that will retroactively filter important messages so that the user may not be held accountable for reading them. We also have virtual bots that can simulate an online presence, which our testers have found indispensable for "work at home" type situations.
Please send résumés via certified letter to the provided address.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Un-Restrained
JustGiveMeOneMoreChance LLC. is looking for talented engineers and programmers to bring a revolutionary product to market. The exact nature of the product must be kept a secret until certain legal matters are settled.
Engineering applicants should have a strong background with UAVs; quadcopters in particular. Programmers will need experience with video tracking, persistent surveillance, face recognition, and autonomous navigation.
If you are reading this, Sarah, I can prove to you that we can be happy together. And until you change your mind, I'll be watching you.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
MemeMerch
MemeMerch LLC. is seeking Big Data specialists and Machine Learning experts to automate the creation of our merchandise lines. By analyzing trending topics and consumer behavior we will be able to predict new Memes and be ready with t-shirts, mugs and other consumer goods plastered images of a Pop-Tart cat that has a rainbow shooting out of its posterior (hey, we don't make the Memes; we just predict them).
So if you are one of the handful of researches at the top of these fields, MemeMerch wants you! And be honest, what else are you going to do with your skills? Let's print Rage Comics on tote bags!
So if you are one of the handful of researches at the top of these fields, MemeMerch wants you! And be honest, what else are you going to do with your skills? Let's print Rage Comics on tote bags!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
ShruteBucks Financials
You: An entrepreneurial company looking for a quick ROI on a short term summer project. The project doesn't matter: you just need to put together a respectable looking team for long enough to dupe some venture capitalists.
The Problem: You can't hire employees because nobody is falling for your equity offers like they were ten years ago. Even college students have caught on to the internship scam and are demanding monetary compensation for their work.
The Solution: ShruteBucks Financials provides custom currencies so that you can pay your employees with real* money. Based off of digital currencies such as Bitcoin and MintChip, our tailor-built currencies have all the features that you have come to expect in currencies, such as buying power† and inflation. But more importantly, we offer new currency features such as our patent-pending "temporally triggered devaluation" which allows your companies currency's value to drop faster (at a time of your choosing) than a Social Media company's stock after an IPO.
* It is possible, at least in theory, that your company's currency will have actual value.
† See above
The Problem: You can't hire employees because nobody is falling for your equity offers like they were ten years ago. Even college students have caught on to the internship scam and are demanding monetary compensation for their work.
The Solution: ShruteBucks Financials provides custom currencies so that you can pay your employees with real* money. Based off of digital currencies such as Bitcoin and MintChip, our tailor-built currencies have all the features that you have come to expect in currencies, such as buying power† and inflation. But more importantly, we offer new currency features such as our patent-pending "temporally triggered devaluation" which allows your companies currency's value to drop faster (at a time of your choosing) than a Social Media company's stock after an IPO.
* It is possible, at least in theory, that your company's currency will have actual value.
† See above
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Category: High Production Value Dramatic Action Series With Lots of Sex
We know how people really like to watch TV shows. The networks may think that people like to get a short one hour snippet doled out once a week, but we know the truth. And now we deliver it.
Sign up for BacchusFlix home delivery service, and we will send you a package of everything you need to enjoy your favorite shows. Each package contains ALL of the episodes of the show you select, plus enough beer, pizza, Cheez-Its, doughnuts, and ice-cream to ensure that you do not even have to leave your living room. And the best part: when you are done, just return the show and we will automatically send you the next in your queue!
In an effort to extend our control of the free time of our customers, BacchusFlix is launching our second competition to improve our recommendation system. To ensure that the competition works this time around, we regretfully will not be able to offer membership services to any of the registered teams.
Sign up for BacchusFlix home delivery service, and we will send you a package of everything you need to enjoy your favorite shows. Each package contains ALL of the episodes of the show you select, plus enough beer, pizza, Cheez-Its, doughnuts, and ice-cream to ensure that you do not even have to leave your living room. And the best part: when you are done, just return the show and we will automatically send you the next in your queue!
In an effort to extend our control of the free time of our customers, BacchusFlix is launching our second competition to improve our recommendation system. To ensure that the competition works this time around, we regretfully will not be able to offer membership services to any of the registered teams.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Alienation Experts Wanted
Piracy is the newest four letter word around the offices of Digital Expressionists (DE). Just because we “stifle innovation” by releasing the same game every year doesn't justify the lost revenue from piracy of our “recycled” games. Unfortunately, our recent attempts to thwart such inconceivable attacks to our way of life have been met with heavy backlash. We are looking for software and hardware design experts to assist in our quest to truly put an end to piracy, one legitimate customer at a time.
Our recent attempts, requiring a constant internet connection to play a single player game, has led to large outcry from our customers. Who cares that people in the middle of South Dakota don’t have a reliable internet connection? Neither do the pirates in the South Pacific, but they still are somehow able to play our software from the middle of the ocean.
Our newest theory is to include a hardware dongle with each copy of our newest game, Jennifer Jones Curling ‘13. This dongle will be required to play the game, and will also not allow the game to be played if the salt content of the air exceeds some threshold. That should stop those dirty pirates from being able to steal our games!
For those of you who like curling, you might want to move away from beaches. Not that Canadian beaches actually exist.
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