Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The Cloud Needs You
Looking for cloud developers that are well versed in c++, joomla, drupal, ajax, and x86_64 assembly. Experience with BSD, YellowDog Linux, MachOS and Windows NT recommended, but not required.
Our startup is looking to migrate common applications that have been a staple of general purpose computing for the last 20 years to the Cloud. We will take the applications that everyone has come to depend on, and make them available only over a reliable, low-latency network connection.
We are also fairly certain that we have fixed all those pesky “data corruption” problems. On an unrelated note, we are also looking for experts in, um, “data un-corruption?”
Thursday, August 16, 2012
iPhone Dev Needed
Fly-by-Night Inc. is an exciting new app developer based out of the former Soviet Union block, and we are looking for talented iPhone developers for our flagship product: Flashlight App.
For days now, our app has given users the ability to turn their phone into a flashlight, using our patent pending technology. Now, we need your help to monetize our app.
Applicants will definitely not be asked to mine iPhones for personal data. Applicants will certainly not need experience in wire fraud. Finally, applicants should not know anything about advanced cryptanalysis.
Don't miss this opportunity to work for a rapidly expanding company, offices in Nigeria opening soon, alongside some of the most experienced ex-KGB members in the industry. Join us, and become part of the Family. Forever.
For days now, our app has given users the ability to turn their phone into a flashlight, using our patent pending technology. Now, we need your help to monetize our app.
Applicants will definitely not be asked to mine iPhones for personal data. Applicants will certainly not need experience in wire fraud. Finally, applicants should not know anything about advanced cryptanalysis.
Don't miss this opportunity to work for a rapidly expanding company, offices in Nigeria opening soon, alongside some of the most experienced ex-KGB members in the industry. Join us, and become part of the Family. Forever.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Aggregation Specialists
Our fast growing, content* driven site is in need of Aggregation Specialists. Expertise in Watermark Replacement is a must, as well as a certain "moral flexibility."
We are also in need of Content Locators. Responsibilities include scouring the Internet for humorous content, and passing it along to our Aggregation Specialists. The content will then be re-appropriated, an displayed on our site.
Finally, we have several openings for psychologists. Their responsibilities include convincing users of the Internet that they should visit our site instead of the sites of the actual creators of the content. Applicants should also be prepared to find new ways to rationalize what we are doing as we make money off of the backs of people who are working hard everyday to create new, original content.
Oh yeah, we are also going to need a ton of lawyers. Or at least one loud mouth one that doesn't mind having his mother accused of making love to bears.
* Note: none of the content is actually made by us.
We are also in need of Content Locators. Responsibilities include scouring the Internet for humorous content, and passing it along to our Aggregation Specialists. The content will then be re-appropriated, an displayed on our site.
Finally, we have several openings for psychologists. Their responsibilities include convincing users of the Internet that they should visit our site instead of the sites of the actual creators of the content. Applicants should also be prepared to find new ways to rationalize what we are doing as we make money off of the backs of people who are working hard everyday to create new, original content.
Oh yeah, we are also going to need a ton of lawyers. Or at least one loud mouth one that doesn't mind having his mother accused of making love to bears.
* Note: none of the content is actually made by us.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
New Blogging Platform
The Internet has a plethora of blogging platforms, each one offering a comparable and well understood feature set. Users can make posts, anyone can read said posts. Pretty simple stuff.
Which is where we come in! We are looking to build yet another platform, but one which is completely incompatible with every other platform, despite the similarities in functionality. Want to subscribe to posts? Just use the industry standard RSS… hahaha! Just kidding, you need to create an account and join our platform. Would you like users to be able to comment like they can on every fucking website made since 1998? Well fuck you. Comments are ugly, and it might clash with our stylish preset CSS themes such as “Black text on white background.”
So, if you are a go-getter that is ready to reinvent the wheel by eliminating those pesky round bits, then apply today! We have created a blog for our future applicants: http://lookingforprogrammers.blogspot.com/
FOURTH WALL BREAKING NOTE: This was the last post on our old blog: http://programmerswanted.tumblr.com/
Which is where we come in! We are looking to build yet another platform, but one which is completely incompatible with every other platform, despite the similarities in functionality. Want to subscribe to posts? Just use the industry standard RSS… hahaha! Just kidding, you need to create an account and join our platform. Would you like users to be able to comment like they can on every fucking website made since 1998? Well fuck you. Comments are ugly, and it might clash with our stylish preset CSS themes such as “Black text on white background.”
So, if you are a go-getter that is ready to reinvent the wheel by eliminating those pesky round bits, then apply today! We have created a blog for our future applicants: http://lookingforprogrammers.blogspot.com/
FOURTH WALL BREAKING NOTE: This was the last post on our old blog: http://programmerswanted.tumblr.com/
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