Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Denial of Discourse

Winning! Inc. has recognized an asymmetry in modern discourse and is working on bringing tools to market which exploit this imbalance. The imbalance is this: it takes almost no effort to fabricate a fact, but much more effort to debunk even the most tenuously based assertions. Even an outright lie will take the opposition minutes to research and convincingly refute.

In fact, our research, supported by the International Coalition of Factoid Investigation, shows that a complete lie or fabrication takes on average only 8.42 Thought-Joules to produce, and nearly 578 Thought-Joules to debunk. Even the more difficult to produce "distortion of reality" or "misleading use of statistics", which on average cost 68.3 Thought-Joules to produce, are a cost effective measure as they cost just under Kilo-Thought-Joule to unmask with a success rate of only 85%.

In order to introduce our discourse altering weapons to market, Winning! Inc. is looking for pathological liars to finish honing our Mislead-a-Tron algorithm. We will hire those with the most impressive résumés, but don't worry, we aren't fact checking. Nobody has that kind of time.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Security Through Public Relations

Solar Technologies are looking for new developers for their widely deployed run-time environment “Herbal Tea.” If you enjoy enabling web developers to create and maintain slow to load and unresponsive applications, this is the opportunity you have (quite literally) been waiting for.

A few developer positions have opened in our company, after a small bug in our system caused widespread panic across the world. It seems like a bit of an over reaction. Really, if you think about it, we are just offering developers yet another paradigm to add to their tool-set: "execution of arbitrary privileged code." And seriously, Mud Hut’s flagship product “Streaking” can can get away with being more virus ridden than a sewer rat carrying the Bubonic plague, but when we fail to patch one little zero day weeks after its release, the Department of Homeland Security comes breathing down our neck about it?

Applicants should be well versed in the Herbal Tea environment.  Ideal applicants have taken a course on basic computer security, as none of our current developers have this experience.  Apply today, when the Herbal Tea application below loads 20 minutes after you lose interest.

About Solar Technologies
Solar Technologies are the creators and maintainers of the ubiquitous run-time and language combo known as Herbal Tea.  Herbal Tea enables developers to create secure applications without worrying about memory “management”, or “classical attack vectors”.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

MAKE us rich!

Hack-My-Face is an innovative company with a creative and super-innovative business model: we manufacture demand for new, innovative tools.

We are now in the process of hiring Innovators to generate content for our website and blog.  Do you have genius project ideas that no other person could reasonably duplicate?  Would you like to have an unlimited amount of money to throw at any problem you run into?  Your job will be simple:  3 times a week, you must invent, implement, document, and post your simple sounding ideas, but development requires such specialized tools that 9 times out of 10, you have to print your own.  You have access to a 3D printer upon accepting your position, which we also happen to sell at our website.

Note that all projects developed become property of Hack-My-Face inc.  Blueprints will be created to be sold in our online store, as well as in any book we publish.  Your payment will come in the form of admiration and jealousy from the viewers of our website.  You will also receive a moderate commission for every Hack-My-Face brand products sold as a result of each blog post (1 cent per item sold).

Come and innovate with us!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

News Cyclone

Cable News Stations today are the apes encircling the obelisk that is Social Media: they can sense that it is important, but they haven’t a clue what it is or how it works. And they are fairly certain that it will give them an edge over the competition (allowing them to beat their competition over the head with a metaphorical femur).

But Social Media isn’t some impenetrable, intelligence imbuing artifact from another world: it is a buzzword for a collection of services that allows users to shotgun blast their every insipid thought to as many other people that care to listen. And lots of people listen, because as inane as a B-list Celebrity’s tweets may be, they are a thousand times more interesting that most people’s day-to-day lives.

So how is Social Media going to revolutionize Cable News? Let’s be honest here; the population’s knee-jerk reaction to every news story is not news by itself, and has no value. Cable News is just making a futile attempt to appear “hip” and “jiggy-with-it” to a crowd that has already abandoned them for more immediate sources of news.

But INFORMATION STORM! will change all of that. By replacing the old analog “newscasters” with infographics, live streams, instant polls, trending tweets, tag-clouds, #meters, bullet points, sound bites, trend tickers, info-splosions, applause meters and status updates, we are going to evolve into the next level of news broadcasting.

And we need talented developers to make it happen. Applicants should be experts in Reverse Information Theory and have experience in Information Amplification. The task is simple: by aggregating enough “news” sources, no matter how little actual information each may contain, we can piece together actual news. Like forming a raindrop out of billions of water molecules. Instead of condensing the news, we are condensating it. INFORMATION STORM!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

This Year is Different

Profitable1Day has resolved to create a new mobile app, and is looking for a lead developer for the project. Development has already started, in Q1 2012, but stalled due to a slew of other projects getting in the way. But this year we are really committed to finishing it.

The project's working title is "Resolution-Tron" and it providers users with a convenient way to create resolutions and record their progress. Features include auto-social media sharing each time a milestone is achieved, inspirational quotes, and an "Ah-f*ck-it" button that will completely erase a resolution. Features for Lent are also planned.

This is a temporary, one year contract. Or maybe just a one month contract. We'll see how things are going in February. The applicant should be an experienced coder, with a proven track record of shipping products on time.