Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Hipster Laptop

Are MacBooks too mainstream? Do you find the analog confines of your overpriced moleskin too restrictive? Do you need a piece of hardware that will set you apart from the sheeple of your local coffee shack as a creative, interesting person? Does that hardware also need to let you ironically re-tweet the asinine musing of all of those celebrities you follow on twitter?

Are graphics and color displays just too mainstream? Like, they're everywhere now. Just boxing us into this cultural preconception that computers need to be able to display video. I'm searching for a more pure experience, that isn't diluted by corporate eye candy.

Vintage Advanced Technologies LLC is working on revolutionary new laptop that promises to roll back the advancements of the last 20 years of computer technology. The HALster will feature a ridiculously low amount of RAM, a pathetically slow processor, and best of all a monochrome display that is only capable of displaying static text and images. The HALster features enough vintage technology that it will look great on your mantle in-between your record player and your film camera.

But don't worry; modern advances deemed useful and "Irony Neutral" are included so that the HALster retains a minimal amount of functionality. The battery will last through your most intense memoir writing session, and the wifi card will let you browse the internet in its purest form: straight HTML. Also, all images you view have the HALster's exclusive filter applied: Monocrhome and Low Res.

Follow the progress of our prototype here:

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Book Deal!

Programmers Wanted has made it to the big time: we have a book deal*!

Here at the Programmers Wanted HQ, we have always dreamed of being celebrities with large mansions, butlers, harems, and preferential treatment from the US judicial system. Failing that, we will take the next best thing: Internet Famous.

That's right, Internet Famous. It's when an Internet "Personality" becomes well known enough that their Internet Bile leaves the Interwebs of forums, social media and micro blogs; and starts to seep into Meat Space via witty t-shirts, bumper stickers, and occasionally even books.

But we want our loyal reader** to know that we will not abandon you! Despite our new found Internet Fame, Programmers Wanted will continue to slog on, bringing you the cynical fake jobs postings you crave on a weekly basis.

One last thing: we are going to stop posting regularly. We may post every few months or so, if we feel like it.

* We don't actually have a book deal.
** Not a typo. There is only one loyal reader. You know who you are.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Ideas for Freedom

Ideas for Freedom nlc.*, a contractor for the NSA is rapidly expanding our operations in the field of Idea Harvesting and Rapid Implementation. Agile developers are needed to implement prototypes of projects generated by our multiple idea streams, which include the emails, phone calls, text messages, thoughts, and dreams (literal and figurative) of the American people.

We are looking for go-getters that are excited about revitalizing american manufacturing and business by implementing the ideas harvested from the fertile minds of our citizens. Applicants should be well versed in the Agile Development Paradigm, have no moral compass, and be willing to relocate to Fort Meade, MD or Bluffdale, UT. Benefits include an on-site gym, being able to spy on your ex, Facebook administrative access, and a ice cream bar in the cafeteria.

To apply, just read your résumé out loud in front of your Kinect2.

* nlc. stands for "no liability company," a new type of company set forth by provisions in the                                                  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Get E-Educated!

MOOCs (Massive Open Online Course) represent a shift in the higher education paradigm. They are cheap (sometimes even free), widely available, open to anyone with an internet connection, and offer limitless educational opportunities. Coupled with established sources of community driven information such as Wikipedia, Wikibooks, and Stack Exchange, there is nothing preventing a motivated individual from obtaining a college level education completely online.

And yet, traditional colleges and universities have not experienced lower application rates and are even able to increase tuition. This implies that there is something that traditional institutions of higher learning are able to offer something that their free competitors can not.

Which is where FunnyRobes-Inc. comes in! We are preparing a suite of traditional education tropes for sale to students who choose to achieve higher education online, but don't want to miss out on the "real" college experience. Take, for example, our GradePumpA+++ which will inflate any grade and is powered entirely by gripes, whines, and calls from parents. Or our new GrεεkLifε package, which includes solo cups, kegs of light beer, and a hazing paddle!

FunnyRobes-Inc. is currently looking to hire a Professional Rationalizer to aid in the development of what will become our flagship product: APieceOfFuckingPaper. Our lawyers tell us that there is no way to charge people over $100,000 just for a diploma since it blatant scam and the fact that you have to offer something of "value" to charge that much, but we believe that the right candidate can find a way! Candidates should have at least a Master's degree in the humanities (JK! We are going to evaluate applicants on prior experience and ability).

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Nostalgia-Box 256

We here at Rose-Colored Industries is looking for content developers for our newest gaming console, the Nostalgia-Box 256.  The primary focus of this new console is to bend to the wills of the hard-core gamer demographic.  Instead of focusing on new Intellectual Property, we will instead focus on remaking each users favorite games in the new generation.

Gaming consumers desire the ability to play their favorite game from previous console generations.  Therefore, we are looking for developers to create backwards compatible hardware for our new console.  This will allow customers to play *ANY* created game on the newest platform, assuming they have all of the necessary components (namely the game, the old console, and its associated controller).

Also, it appears that gamers are worried about requiring an always-on connection.  They also dislike the trend of games only having an online multiplayer component.  Therefore, our console will not connect to the internet at all.  All game patches will have to be loaded onto the console via a USB flash drive (not included).

We believe that these minor changes are exactly what the hard-core gaming community desires.  We are looking for developers that are willing to port their old games to a new set of hardware constraints, as well as indie developers to push the state of the art with new game play mechanics that only 20-30 gamers will ever see.

If you are interested in working with our console, contact  We will provide you with a special link to our kickstarter campaign featuring developer only rewards.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Google Glass Privacy Filters

The innovative minds at Hear-No:Speak-No, creators of the webcam “sticky-note” privacy filter, are proud to announce their newest prototype: The Google Glass Privacy Filtarrrr.

As mobile technology becomes more prevalent, it is important to keep privacy in mind from the beginning.  As of now, Google Glass cannot peer directly into your soul.  However, the Google Glass terms and conditions do not explicitly state that this feature will never be added into future revisions of the operating system.  There are many times throughout the day that our thoughts diverge into questionable areas.  Our newest technology tries to assuage the potential breach of privacy through the use of the Google Glass device.

Our current prototype is show below.  The user simply places the Privacy Filtarrrr over the eye that Google Glass is monitoring, and prevents the system from picking up any latent thoughts from their subconscious.  No more need to fully remove the google glass device!  Now you can protect your thoughts one second, and watch your favorite internet cat video the next.

Coming soon from Hear-No:Speak-No: Google Glass Privacy Filtarrrr designs.  Now you can show your support for your favorite pointless causes through personalized designs on the face of the Privacy Filtarrrr.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

You're Going to Need a Larger Business Card

Titles"R"Us provides businesses with indispensable services in Job Title Management and Allocation. Our services allow for creative salary and bonus schemes that effectively obscure the amount each individual is paid by assigning them multiple roles, while simultaneously providing for unlimited upward mobility for any position through a variety of job title modifiers.

Applicants for our Junior-Engineer-of-Systems-Level-IV will work directly with our Vice-Admiral-Chief-Technology-Officer, Executive-Co-Marketer-of-Business-Services, and Under-Secretary-of-Internal-Review-and-Management-Operator-Czar (or as everyone here knows her: Sarah). Applicants will need to demonstrate proficiency with thesauruses, as well as a keen interest in acronym creation.