Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Book Deal!

Programmers Wanted has made it to the big time: we have a book deal*!

Here at the Programmers Wanted HQ, we have always dreamed of being celebrities with large mansions, butlers, harems, and preferential treatment from the US judicial system. Failing that, we will take the next best thing: Internet Famous.

That's right, Internet Famous. It's when an Internet "Personality" becomes well known enough that their Internet Bile leaves the Interwebs of forums, social media and micro blogs; and starts to seep into Meat Space via witty t-shirts, bumper stickers, and occasionally even books.

But we want our loyal reader** to know that we will not abandon you! Despite our new found Internet Fame, Programmers Wanted will continue to slog on, bringing you the cynical fake jobs postings you crave on a weekly basis.

One last thing: we are going to stop posting regularly. We may post every few months or so, if we feel like it.

* We don't actually have a book deal.
** Not a typo. There is only one loyal reader. You know who you are.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Ideas for Freedom

Ideas for Freedom nlc.*, a contractor for the NSA is rapidly expanding our operations in the field of Idea Harvesting and Rapid Implementation. Agile developers are needed to implement prototypes of projects generated by our multiple idea streams, which include the emails, phone calls, text messages, thoughts, and dreams (literal and figurative) of the American people.

We are looking for go-getters that are excited about revitalizing american manufacturing and business by implementing the ideas harvested from the fertile minds of our citizens. Applicants should be well versed in the Agile Development Paradigm, have no moral compass, and be willing to relocate to Fort Meade, MD or Bluffdale, UT. Benefits include an on-site gym, being able to spy on your ex, Facebook administrative access, and a ice cream bar in the cafeteria.

To apply, just read your résumé out loud in front of your Kinect2.

* nlc. stands for "no liability company," a new type of company set forth by provisions in the                                                  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Get E-Educated!

MOOCs (Massive Open Online Course) represent a shift in the higher education paradigm. They are cheap (sometimes even free), widely available, open to anyone with an internet connection, and offer limitless educational opportunities. Coupled with established sources of community driven information such as Wikipedia, Wikibooks, and Stack Exchange, there is nothing preventing a motivated individual from obtaining a college level education completely online.

And yet, traditional colleges and universities have not experienced lower application rates and are even able to increase tuition. This implies that there is something that traditional institutions of higher learning are able to offer something that their free competitors can not.

Which is where FunnyRobes-Inc. comes in! We are preparing a suite of traditional education tropes for sale to students who choose to achieve higher education online, but don't want to miss out on the "real" college experience. Take, for example, our GradePumpA+++ which will inflate any grade and is powered entirely by gripes, whines, and calls from parents. Or our new GrεεkLifε package, which includes solo cups, kegs of light beer, and a hazing paddle!

FunnyRobes-Inc. is currently looking to hire a Professional Rationalizer to aid in the development of what will become our flagship product: APieceOfFuckingPaper. Our lawyers tell us that there is no way to charge people over $100,000 just for a diploma since it blatant scam and the fact that you have to offer something of "value" to charge that much, but we believe that the right candidate can find a way! Candidates should have at least a Master's degree in the humanities (JK! We are going to evaluate applicants on prior experience and ability).