Wednesday, November 28, 2012

It Just Works!

Are you tired of cleaning up your parent's computer? Is your Aunt always asking you to "clean up her cpu?" Do your grandparents constantly complain about how slow their system is? Are they running Internet Explorer 5 with all but the lower two inches of the screen dominated by useless toolbars?

Is their primary contribution to the Internet adding one more zombie computer to a bot-net? Do they refuse to learn anything new about computers?

Our market research shows that this is a rapidly growing demographic, and Computer Illiteracy Corp. is a new non-profit (501(c)) that has formed to serve the needs of reluctant family computer experts. We will provide computers that run secured Linux variants that have been re-skinned and crippled to provided a near-perfect Windows computing experience.

Imagine the shitty but familiar interface of Windows 98 and the sluggish pace of IE4 (complete with AOL skin and emulated modem noises) but with the security and piece of mind of Ubuntu 12.04 and Chrome!

Undoing the hard work of thousands in the FOSS community is no small task. We are looking for designers to create fake toolbars for chrome, HCI experts to re-work Unity to look like various Windows versions, and operating system engineers to introduce the instability and error-screens that bath us in that all-too familiar blue glow.

So help Computer Illiteracy Corp move us into the future, by emulating the past! Because learning new things is scary.

Alternatively, we could just ship Ubuntu computers as is, and tell people that they are Macs.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thermometer App

Following the directions to cook a Turkey is difficult*, but IneedaNuPhone Inc. is developing an app to make it so easy that even Instagram users can do it!

We are now preparing for the open-beta of our Thermometer App, and are accepting applications for testers. Testers must be preparing to cook a turkey, have a smartphone, and be willing to incorporate the phone with the stuffing with our app running**. Our app will automatically call you when the turkey has reached the desired temperature.

* Cooking a turkey isn't actually difficult. It's bird + oven + time people. Figure it out.
** Beta tester accept all liability for possible damages including, but not limited to, flaming birds, melted phones, and smelly ovens. Happy Turkey-Day!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Climax Specialists Wanted

Nearly There Productions is looking for skilled programmers to find, algorithmically, the point two minutes prior to the climax point of major films. Our company provides movies for free, up until right before the pivotal moment. The movie is then paused, and the end user must pay to watch the rest.

The trick is to make sure that the algorithm determines the exactly precise moment to stop; tension is at its highest, the audience is on the edge of their seat, resolution is just moments away, and BAM! Paywall!

Programmers should have a minimum of a bachelor's degree in computer science or film, and five years experience. Compensation is in the range of [WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY $5.00 TO CONTINUE READING AD?]

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Call for Pre-Hackathon-Hackathon Hackers

Generic Frameworks and Platforms LLC. will be hosting a Hackathon to build a new framework or platform to be used in our future Hackathons. For the 48-hour funtastic event we will be providing free food and energy drinks, as well as prizes collectively valued at almost $100.

The theme for the event is "Build a mature, stable, and bug-free software framework to facilitate development of Apps." Contestants will be invited to attend our next Hackathon, for which the theme is "Build mature, stable, bug-free apps for our brand new framework: [INSERT FRAMEWORK NAME HERE]."

Disclaimer: Generic Frameworks and Platforms LLC. owns all legal rights to everything created at the aforementioned Hackathons. This includes, but is not limited to: code, logos, ideas, hopes, dreams, souls, and any child birthed (or conceived) at the event.