Rebuilding

Can anyone read this? Is anyone left? How bad is it out there?

We can only assume that the Mayan predicted Apocalypse was not a complete reckoning, as our bunker has been left intact. Fortunately, we have enough supplies and IT experts here to rebuild the most important part of our society: the Internet.

We intend to start rebuilding with our bunker, to be renamed "AOL," as the first node. As the network expands, we will be looking to incorporate other bunkers until we once again have a world wide web. That is, of course, assuming that there were others out there as clever as us.

Oh yeah, does anyone have any extra food or fresh water?

Beta Testers Needed

Our firm, CanusAdHumanium, seeks to increase client retention for our customers by limiting interactions with IT personnel. Our research, validated by years of industry experience, indicates that the leading cause of client defection is awkward and inappropriate interactions with critical yet socially inept personnel.

We seek to reduce these interactions through our new product, currently in the prototyping phase: GoobertronRepel2012. The device works by administering a "safe" level of voltage to the neck of the IT professional through tight fitting specialized neck ties. The shock is administered whenever the device comes too close to a current or potential client.

And what is a "safe" level of voltage? We are not sure, which is why we are looking for beta testers. We are looking for companies willing to run in-house trials of our system. Participating IT departments should consist only of adult males. Those with heart conditions should not participate.

Entanglement Experts Observed

Have you heard of Quantum Computing? Do you know what it is? Could you explain how "entanglement" works? What about "quantum tunneling?"

That's okay, we don't know either! But lots of people have heard that it is going to be the next big thing and they want in, despite having no idea of what any of it actually is or means for the future of computing.

And that is where InTechCompetence Inc. comes in! That's right, the same company the coined the phrases "Internet of Things" and "Cloudification" is working on the next round of tech-related buzz words designed to siphon money out of tech department budgets everywhere. Because no manager wants to be the only one at a conference that is ready for the Quantum Computing Paradigm Shift.

To ensure that our campaign appears to be more than just hot air, we are looking for social media ambassadors, Wikipedia editors, and a handful of web-designers. With a fairly low investment of time and money, we will be able to fool even the most inquisitive managers with a few sparkly websites and authoritative sounding wiki articles.

Don't worry, no actual development will be needed; we just have to sell the product. Because how do you deliver "Quantum Accelerated Server Apps?" I don't even know what that means.

Snarky Cynics Wanted

We're busy people, god-dammit, with important things to do! We don't have time to write these sarcastic, The Onion wannabe posts every single week. No one on the Internet wants to read funny things anyways. We should just start taking pictures of cats and captioning them, since that never seems to grow old and generates traffic second only to pornography.

So we are looking for some replacements. Applicants should be clever (but not more-so than us), funny (but less funny than us), and come up with ideas that are slightly worse than our own.

The reward? Tons of exposure on the Internet on a site visited MULTIPLE times a day.

So please submit your funniest example posts in the comments* section here. These will be posted judged by us at a later date. Don't call us, we'll call you.

* I don't know what you were looking for; I just felt like putting an asterisk in the post.