Snarky Cynics Wanted

We're busy people, god-dammit, with important things to do! We don't have time to write these sarcastic, The Onion wannabe posts every single week. No one on the Internet wants to read funny things anyways. We should just start taking pictures of cats and captioning them, since that never seems to grow old and generates traffic second only to pornography.

So we are looking for some replacements. Applicants should be clever (but not more-so than us), funny (but less funny than us), and come up with ideas that are slightly worse than our own.

The reward? Tons of exposure on the Internet on a site visited MULTIPLE times a day.

So please submit your funniest example posts in the comments* section here. These will be posted judged by us at a later date. Don't call us, we'll call you.

* I don't know what you were looking for; I just felt like putting an asterisk in the post.