Rebuilding

Can anyone read this? Is anyone left? How bad is it out there?

We can only assume that the Mayan predicted Apocalypse was not a complete reckoning, as our bunker has been left intact. Fortunately, we have enough supplies and IT experts here to rebuild the most important part of our society: the Internet.

We intend to start rebuilding with our bunker, to be renamed "AOL," as the first node. As the network expands, we will be looking to incorporate other bunkers until we once again have a world wide web. That is, of course, assuming that there were others out there as clever as us.

Oh yeah, does anyone have any extra food or fresh water?

Beta Testers Needed

Our firm, CanusAdHumanium, seeks to increase client retention for our customers by limiting interactions with IT personnel. Our research, validated by years of industry experience, indicates that the leading cause of client defection is awkward and inappropriate interactions with critical yet socially inept personnel.

We seek to reduce these interactions through our new product, currently in the prototyping phase: GoobertronRepel2012. The device works by administering a "safe" level of voltage to the neck of the IT professional through tight fitting specialized neck ties. The shock is administered whenever the device comes too close to a current or potential client.

And what is a "safe" level of voltage? We are not sure, which is why we are looking for beta testers. We are looking for companies willing to run in-house trials of our system. Participating IT departments should consist only of adult males. Those with heart conditions should not participate.

Entanglement Experts Observed

Have you heard of Quantum Computing? Do you know what it is? Could you explain how "entanglement" works? What about "quantum tunneling?"

That's okay, we don't know either! But lots of people have heard that it is going to be the next big thing and they want in, despite having no idea of what any of it actually is or means for the future of computing.

And that is where InTechCompetence Inc. comes in! That's right, the same company the coined the phrases "Internet of Things" and "Cloudification" is working on the next round of tech-related buzz words designed to siphon money out of tech department budgets everywhere. Because no manager wants to be the only one at a conference that is ready for the Quantum Computing Paradigm Shift.

To ensure that our campaign appears to be more than just hot air, we are looking for social media ambassadors, Wikipedia editors, and a handful of web-designers. With a fairly low investment of time and money, we will be able to fool even the most inquisitive managers with a few sparkly websites and authoritative sounding wiki articles.

Don't worry, no actual development will be needed; we just have to sell the product. Because how do you deliver "Quantum Accelerated Server Apps?" I don't even know what that means.

Snarky Cynics Wanted

We're busy people, god-dammit, with important things to do! We don't have time to write these sarcastic, The Onion wannabe posts every single week. No one on the Internet wants to read funny things anyways. We should just start taking pictures of cats and captioning them, since that never seems to grow old and generates traffic second only to pornography.

So we are looking for some replacements. Applicants should be clever (but not more-so than us), funny (but less funny than us), and come up with ideas that are slightly worse than our own.

The reward? Tons of exposure on the Internet on a site visited MULTIPLE times a day.

So please submit your funniest example posts in the comments* section here. These will be posted judged by us at a later date. Don't call us, we'll call you.

* I don't know what you were looking for; I just felt like putting an asterisk in the post.

It Just Works!

Are you tired of cleaning up your parent's computer? Is your Aunt always asking you to "clean up her cpu?" Do your grandparents constantly complain about how slow their system is? Are they running Internet Explorer 5 with all but the lower two inches of the screen dominated by useless toolbars?

Is their primary contribution to the Internet adding one more zombie computer to a bot-net? Do they refuse to learn anything new about computers?

Our market research shows that this is a rapidly growing demographic, and Computer Illiteracy Corp. is a new non-profit (501(c)) that has formed to serve the needs of reluctant family computer experts. We will provide computers that run secured Linux variants that have been re-skinned and crippled to provided a near-perfect Windows computing experience.

Imagine the shitty but familiar interface of Windows 98 and the sluggish pace of IE4 (complete with AOL skin and emulated modem noises) but with the security and piece of mind of Ubuntu 12.04 and Chrome!

Undoing the hard work of thousands in the FOSS community is no small task. We are looking for designers to create fake toolbars for chrome, HCI experts to re-work Unity to look like various Windows versions, and operating system engineers to introduce the instability and error-screens that bath us in that all-too familiar blue glow.

So help Computer Illiteracy Corp move us into the future, by emulating the past! Because learning new things is scary.

Alternatively, we could just ship Ubuntu computers as is, and tell people that they are Macs.

Thermometer App

Following the directions to cook a Turkey is difficult*, but IneedaNuPhone Inc. is developing an app to make it so easy that even Instagram users can do it!

We are now preparing for the open-beta of our Thermometer App, and are accepting applications for testers. Testers must be preparing to cook a turkey, have a smartphone, and be willing to incorporate the phone with the stuffing with our app running**. Our app will automatically call you when the turkey has reached the desired temperature.

* Cooking a turkey isn't actually difficult. It's bird + oven + time people. Figure it out.
** Beta tester accept all liability for possible damages including, but not limited to, flaming birds, melted phones, and smelly ovens. Happy Turkey-Day!

Climax Specialists Wanted

Nearly There Productions is looking for skilled programmers to find, algorithmically, the point two minutes prior to the climax point of major films. Our company provides movies for free, up until right before the pivotal moment. The movie is then paused, and the end user must pay to watch the rest.

The trick is to make sure that the algorithm determines the exactly precise moment to stop; tension is at its highest, the audience is on the edge of their seat, resolution is just moments away, and BAM! Paywall!

Programmers should have a minimum of a bachelor's degree in computer science or film, and five years experience. Compensation is in the range of [WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY $5.00 TO CONTINUE READING AD?]

Call for Pre-Hackathon-Hackathon Hackers

Generic Frameworks and Platforms LLC. will be hosting a Hackathon to build a new framework or platform to be used in our future Hackathons. For the 48-hour funtastic event we will be providing free food and energy drinks, as well as prizes collectively valued at almost $100.

The theme for the event is "Build a mature, stable, and bug-free software framework to facilitate development of Apps." Contestants will be invited to attend our next Hackathon, for which the theme is "Build mature, stable, bug-free apps for our brand new framework: [INSERT FRAMEWORK NAME HERE]."

Disclaimer: Generic Frameworks and Platforms LLC. owns all legal rights to everything created at the aforementioned Hackathons. This includes, but is not limited to: code, logos, ideas, hopes, dreams, souls, and any child birthed (or conceived) at the event.

Blogs-2-Books

Our company, Blogs-2-Books, is dedicated to facilitating the streamlining of content migration between blogs and printed media. Our flagship product, Blog-2-Book, is now 90% complete: it has been approved by our board and the design is completely fleshed out. Only the implementation remains, and as such we are looking to hire one part-time programmer to code up our amazing idea.

Blog-2-Book will give bloggers an automated way to turn their blog into a self-published book by simply downloading all of their posts, stripping out any comments, and reformatting into a book layout. Users will also have the option to then replace all previous blog posts with links to purchase their book. All future posts (if there are any) will automatically have advertisements for their book inserted.

Programmers must have experience with computers and The Internets and stuff. Expected hours are about 10 per week for up to 2 months. Compensation is negotiable, in the range of $5.50 to $7.25 per hour, based on experience and local minimum wage laws.

.gif Industry Fashions!

The Internet has produced two of the most popular entities of the past century: The animated gif, and the novelty T-Shirt.  Everyone remembers the first cat gif they saw, and everyone has their favorite t-shirt shopping website.  Unfortunately, no one has been able to combine these two passions.


No one has been able to, that is, until now.  We are proud to introduce .gif Industry Fashions(.gIF)!  Now you can proudly display your favorite animated gif on a customized t-shirt of your choosing.  Using our novel "shutter-shade" approach, your friends need only don the empowering headwear, and take a brisk jog past your t-shirt!

We here at .gIF are looking for computer scientists with at least 10 years experience in data compression, so we can fit longer gifs on each t-shirt.  We are creating prototypes of long sleeved t-shirts, which you can utilize in your work.  We are also looking for graphic designers and psychologist to assist in surreptitious ad placement in the animated T-shirts.  Applicants should submit their resumes in the form of an animated gif.

Facebook App Developers Liked

Narrow World Views Inc. is looking for veteran Facebook App developers as we expand our stable of social media viewscape adapters. Applicants should have 20 years of experience developing for Facebook or similar platforms, at least a master's degree in computer science, and a minimum of 5000 friends.

Our company is dedicated to providing its customers with a calm and relaxing social media experience, and to this end we have crafted an array of applications that allow users to automatically filter out anything that may conflict with their world view (thus causing cognitive dissonance and critical thought). Our unique application first builds a profile of the user by examining their browser history, which reveals what type of information the user already selectively seeks out or ignores. The profile is then used to select customizable filters that block any offending content from the user's newsfeed and timeline.

Example filters include: Republican, Democrat, Birther, Vegan, Baby Hater, Socialist, Ayn Rand, Hipster (nothing with more than 10 likes; too popular), Farmvile Request, Your Mother's Posts, Txt Spk, Grammar Nazi; Young People, Old People, Chain Posts, and the entirety of Facebook. Each filter is guaranteed to make sure that the associated content never makes it to your screen.

So join Narrow World Views Inc. today: We make a challenging world simple again*.

*The world never was simple, but we make it look like a 50's sitcom.

The Future of Computing

We are on the verge of amazing breakthroughs in the field of mathematics and computation! And our company, GWC, is in need of solid state physicists, bio-medical engineers, and a talented instruction encoders.

What is an instruction encoder? Our new invention is so revolutionary that it necessitates an entirely new profession. What does it take to be an instruction encoder? An understanding of mathematics is a must, and moxie is a plus! What will you be asked to do? You will work directly with our new invention, making it perform amazing feats of computation!

We can not reveal to much about what we are call our Procedural Resolution Sequencing System. The fundamentals of the machine are well grounded in scientific literature, but required advancements for its implementation are just now being realized. Now out team faces the biggest challenge: reducing the size of the components. The fundamental component is a "door" of sorts, that controls the flow of bioinfotrons (yet another amazing invention from GWC, short for biological information automaton). As bioinfotrons make their way through tracks controlled by these doors, simple computations can be preformed. We are convinced that, once the sizes have been reduced enough, we will be able to combine hundreds, nay, thousands of these doors and have bioinfotrons cycle through them multiple times a minute!

At GWC, our focus is always on the horizon. Right now, the Procedural Resolution Sequencing System must be configured to perform a specific type of task, a major drawback. However, we believe that within the next twenty years, we will be able to build a General Purpose Procedural Resolution Sequencing System: one that can handle a variety of workloads with minimal reconfiguration. Our top scientist, Dr. Tlan Auring, has demonstrated that it is theoretically possible to create a Procedural Resolution Sequencing System that can emulate all other possible Procedural Resolution Sequencing Systems!

* GWC (Global Work Contraptions) has partnered with researchers from Department of Earth and Planetary Sciences, Kobe University; and the Unconventional Computing Centre, University of the West of England.
Media coverage of research: http://hackaday.com/2012/09/28/making-logic-gates-out-of-crabs/
Publication in Complex Systems: http://www.complex-systems.com/pdf/20-2-2.pdf

Exciting New Collaboration

The makers of Flashlight App have teamed up with cloud technology specialists for an invigorating new project: CloudVD++.

By cloudifying virus detection computer contrivances, out synergistic collaboration of top industry experts will herald a new age of computer data sanitation services. Users will be able to scan their hard disks without impacting CPU performance by uploading all of their files to our secure (backed by our Secure Data Transmit++ technology) servers. Our servers will then scan the files for any possible viruses, and repair any affected files before seamlessly sending the files back to the user.

Our established team of virus writers analysts is looking to augment its ranks in preparation for this lucrative endeavor. Specifically, they are looking for programmers with experience in data mining that have no criminal record.

Help us protect the world's computers from viruses with CloudVD++ today!

Voice Controlled Internet Protocol

Our venture capital firm, Four Guys That Haven't Even Graduated Business School Yet, is ready to enter the prototyping phase of a revolutionary network protocol that leverages recent advances in speech recognition with existing, under-utilized infrastructure.

One of our members was an engineering student for almost a whole semester, and he is like 95.7% sure that this is a great idea. You see, the existing phone network was designed for analog communications, but the internet is all digital. This is why AOL was so slow. But the phone system is really good at carrying voice. Today, advanced programs like Siri can easily decode voice to talk to computers! Ka-Ching! No need to lay new cables for broadband internet; our technology lets users simply use the phone lines they already have with their iPhones.

We are looking for talented engineers to implement this great idea. Our venture capital firm is still in the process of raising funds, so initial compensation will be limited. However, applicants will have the opportunity to work directly with the company's CEOs, CFOs, VPs, and Treasurer.

Make it Rain!

What You Pay For

The following is an actual job posting from a university's job board. We have highlighted the more interesting bits (and redacted any identifying information). It was posted in the spring of 2012.

This is a screenshot of the website, as of September 2012. Apparently any applicant that was qualified enough to work for them for free, was also qualified enough to get a paying gig.

2016 Election Web 27.0 Mash-Up Artists Wanted

Our start-up, Politics-Yo!, is working hard to get a jump on the 2016 presidential elections. Our industry-wide respected analysts have predicted that Web 27.0 will be the deciding factor in the election between Ayn Rand and Karl Marx.

We are now in the process of hiring the fresh, hip talent needed to put it all together. Our research shows that people are looking for even more ways to alienate their friends and family through social media based campaign propaganda. Political status updates, re-tweets from the candidates, re-blogs from The Puffington Host, impromptu hashtag polls, that is all too 2012. How about Google Glass Contacts Projection Marketing thrown together with eyePhone 7gs4sRedux Politico App? How about Telepathy Blogging your reactions to Special Interest Mind Bullets about the Space Debates? Get on our level!

Applicants will need to be down with all of the reverse-retro internet technologies, including those that won't be invented until at least 2015. Skillz with dropping the (political) base, twattering the platform, and wubbing the vote also desired.

Looking for Readers

Our think tank, Great Minds Think A-Awesome, has identified an untapped market in lackadaisical enabling reading resources. We are now moving into stage 23.b.5, having successfully raised the venture capital needed to implement a prototype of our service.

We are now in the process of looking for talented individuals to bring our world-crushingly amazing idea to fruition. Applicants should have experience in programming and design. And you better be good. The only conceivable way our venture will fail is if the developers suck.

Without a signed NDA, all that we can reveal about the project is that it involves crowd-sourcing the reading of books. Each year, millions of students are forced to read the same classic works of literature. Our service will let each student read a small part, and then compile the summaries into a much shorter book. The process can then be recursively iterated with our patent pending technology until the final summary is only a page long.

We have applied a pre-alpha prototype to this advertisement as an example:
The our of.

The Cloud Needs You

Looking for cloud developers that are well versed in c++, joomla, drupal, ajax, and x86_64 assembly. Experience with BSD, YellowDog Linux, MachOS and Windows NT recommended, but not required.

Our startup is looking to migrate common applications that have been a staple of general purpose computing for the last 20 years to the Cloud. We will take the applications that everyone has come to depend on, and make them available only over a reliable, low-latency network connection.

We are also fairly certain that we have fixed all those pesky “data corruption” problems. On an unrelated note, we are also looking for experts in, um, “data un-corruption?”

iPhone Dev Needed

Fly-by-Night Inc. is an exciting new app developer based out of the former Soviet Union block, and we are looking for talented iPhone developers for our flagship product: Flashlight App.

For days now, our app has given users the ability to turn their phone into a flashlight, using our patent pending technology. Now, we need your help to monetize our app.

Applicants will definitely not be asked to mine iPhones for personal data. Applicants will certainly not need experience in wire fraud. Finally, applicants should not know anything about advanced cryptanalysis.

Don't miss this opportunity to work for a rapidly expanding company, offices in Nigeria opening soon, alongside some of the most experienced ex-KGB members in the industry. Join us, and become part of the Family. Forever.

Aggregation Specialists

Our fast growing, content* driven site is in need of Aggregation Specialists. Expertise in Watermark Replacement is a must, as well as a certain "moral flexibility."

We are also in need of Content Locators. Responsibilities include scouring the Internet for humorous content, and passing it along to our Aggregation Specialists. The content will then be re-appropriated, an displayed on our site.

Finally, we have several openings for psychologists. Their responsibilities include convincing users of the Internet that they should visit our site instead of the sites of the actual creators of the content. Applicants should also be prepared to find new ways to rationalize what we are doing as we make money off of the backs of people who are working hard everyday to create new, original content.

Oh yeah, we are also going to need a ton of lawyers. Or at least one loud mouth one that doesn't mind having his mother accused of making love to bears.

* Note: none of the content is actually made by us.

New Blogging Platform

The Internet has a plethora of blogging platforms, each one offering a comparable and well understood feature set. Users can make posts, anyone can read said posts. Pretty simple stuff.

Which is where we come in! We are looking to build yet another platform, but one which is completely incompatible with every other platform, despite the similarities in functionality. Want to subscribe to posts? Just use the industry standard RSS… hahaha! Just kidding, you need to create an account and join our platform. Would you like users to be able to comment like they can on every fucking website made since 1998? Well fuck you. Comments are ugly, and it might clash with our stylish preset CSS themes such as “Black text on white background.”

So, if you are a go-getter that is ready to reinvent the wheel by eliminating those pesky round bits, then apply today! We have created a blog for our future applicants: http://lookingforprogrammers.blogspot.com/

FOURTH WALL BREAKING NOTE: This was the last post on our old blog: http://programmerswanted.tumblr.com/

Players Wanted

Gamification is a growing industry, but it is struggling. Many upstarts are finding it difficult to apply point systems to real life situations. While competition is motivational, applying it to tasks such as “daily hygiene” or “conversation” is not a simple job. In fact, many programmers have become discouraged, and have given up on gamifying every aspect of our lives.

Which is why we need people like you to add incentives to the process of gamification. By providing users with milestones, digital trinkets, and the illusion of competition we can foster a community of gamification-nauts!

Experience in D&D or WoW is suggested (or any game in which players are motivated to forgo sleep in order to gain meaningless “experience points”). Join Gamification Worldwide, and grind with us!

Developers Desired

Looking for hip, fresh new talent to lay the foundation for an online community of user generated content. This is more than just free web-hosting: this is a metropolis of sites organized into boroughs of interest. You will provide the tools that our internet citizens will need to create awesome sites that reflect their sophistication and intelligence.

We are fairly certain that our service will be in demand for decades to come, so join now get in on the ground floor.

Programmers Wanted

Have you ever looked at a photo and said to yourself, “This photo looks too good?” Do you sometimes wish that the photos that you take could broadcast the fact that you are a hipster douchebag? Does platform exclusivity make you feel warm and fuzzy inside?

We are in the process of developing a “Professional” photographer suite that runs on a myriad of mobile platforms, such as iOS 2, 3, and 5. Said platform will allow everyday users to act as if they have some photo editing skills, such as adding sepia and black and white filters, or lens flares. And of course this discards the original photos. Who would want to keep that horrid looking thing anyway? You just created art!

We are looking for programmers who have experience in some obscure languages which you probably haven’t heard of, such as Malbolge, Arcode Fire, and Piet. Applicants who possess the ability to locate an unoccupied coffee shop within a 25 block radius, for use as our daily office, are also desired. Compensation will be proportional to the size of the rims of your lens-less glasses, and hinges on how much Zuckerberg is willing to pay.

Email redacted. It was something along the lines of “adjective + crustacean.”

Innovation NOT Required

Do you wish you could make popular games? Can you “Ctrl+c”? Does “Crtl+v” ring a bell?

Congratulations, you have the talent to join our sweatshop open-layout work space of expert code duplicators. Job includes great benefits, not limited to: air, water, bathroom breaks, and stock options (value equal-to or greater-than that of water).

So apply today to remake great classics such as MicroBuilding®!

(Please note, programmers that prefer Apple+c and Apple+v need not apply. Those that use Meta+anything can take a long walk off a short dock.)

New Social Networking Platform

Programmers wanted to join an exciting start-up which will corner an under-developed market: technophobes and paranoids who want to socialize anonymously. User will send anonomous post cards to our service, which will then reproduce them in book format which can be purchased through a variety of venues.

Synergistic programmers with experience in Web 3.0 technologies and Linotype will be well compensated with stock options after the initial IPO.

Programmers Wanted

Programmers wanted to create an exciting physics based frustrated avian attack on swine castle game. Applicants should have at least 25 years experience programming in Java, PorCal and phloK. Advanced degree in ornithology or civil engineering desired.